So Different Now?

Before leaving for Iraq, I felt as if this experience wouldn't change me. I've always felt, (or at least put on a pretty good front) that certain things don't get to me. Or like I don't need to rely on anybody but myself. I've never had one significant event in my life shake me up. At least not until I came here. Thinking about everything I've been through over here, good and bad, I feel almost overwhelmed. I have changed. I've changed a lot. But have I changed for better? Or for worse?

I curse. Everyone in the military curses. It's contagious. I was pretty surprised at how much I cursed in front of my mom, while I was home on leave. And I would do it without pause. As if that is how I were raised. I've always been a sarcastic person. But now, I feel like sarcasm is the only thing I have going for me. And I'm very outspoken and opinionated. If I think something is stupid, ugly, pointless, whatever... I say it. Even when the situation may not call for it. Or even if I know it's going to be a direct insult to someone. I kind of feed off of that. I take pleasure in people's reactions to it. Worst of all... death is something I've come to joke about or just pass off, as if it doesn't/hasn't happened. This is a horrible place, in which people die every day and one of the things that gets me through is to joke about death or some sort of serious bodily harm.

Aside from all of that, I have definitely learned not to take things for granted. Things like family, friends, the U.S., my arms and legs, the finer things in life.... just life in general. Growing up, I remember times I absolutely despised my parents. For not letting me go to a friend's house. For not letting me do what I wanted to do. For nothing. But now I realize that my parents are pretty much the most amazing parents in the world. I feel horrible for putting my mom through all of this, but she's supported me every step of the way. Words could not describe the love I have for my parents and family.

Like I said, I've never really had one significant event in my life that has shaken me until I came here. Now I've had several. Some have affected me in different ways. Most of these things I'd rather not write about. Those events have really made me wonder how or why people can do some of the things they do. It's baffling. I've had a couple close calls. One in which really made me think that the Big Man upstairs is really looking out for me. There are times I wonder how the hell I've made it through all of this. Then I remember going home on leave. When we landed in Dallas, the reaction we got from the people there was shocking to me. As we got off the plane and walked through the terminal, everybody in the entire airport stood and applauded. Every single person. Some women had tears in their eyes. I was truly amazed. I was trying my hardest not to tear up, but it was rough. To hear daily, all of the negatives about this war and to feel as if I'm over here for nothing, it was just crazy to see how many people are actually grateful for all of us over here. I guess I've seen the worst and best of people.

I'll leave this place in under 5 months. Whether I wanted it to or not, it has changed me in some ways. And I still have quite a bit left to endure. I'm not going to come home some crazy, dillusional war vet. But different than I was before? Perhaps. Regardless, I'll still be me and some of you are just going to have to deal with that. :)